My mom says…

“You always self sabotage yourself.” She’s correct. I really do. But I also think it comes from how deeply I value being alone. I genuinely love my solitude. I love being able to work out, disappear into my own world, edit my pictures, learn new things, and be weird and sassy without having to explain myself to anyone. I love the version of me that exists when no one is demanding anything from me.

People can call it self sabotage, but for me it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes I pull away because I’m trying to protect myself, or maybe preserve myself, for the future. I think there’s a part of me that’s scared of losing who I am by giving too much of myself away too soon.

Maybe that’s why solitude feels so important to me. It’s the one place where I feel completely like myself.

The hard part is that self-preservation and self-sabotage can look almost identical from the outside. Sometimes solitude restores me. Sometimes it becomes armor. Sometimes I convince myself I’m protecting my peace when really I’m avoiding vulnerability, uncertainty, or the possibility of needing someone too much.

But I don’t think my love for being alone is the problem. It’s one of the purest parts of me. The real challenge is learning the difference between isolation that helps me grow and isolation that keeps me emotionally untouched.

I don’t want to stop being independent. I just want to understand when I’m building myself and when I’m hiding.